Dear Folks:
One of the more interesting people I’ve met as a result of switching my career to writing is a flight attendant, Elizabeth Calwell. She has a great sense of humor, and turned it, along with her experiences for many years in air, into a book, Dear Passenger.
I am going to let her tell you about her book, which I highly recommend. I’ve read it twice!
******
Dear Passenger: Welcome to My Wacky World as a Flight Attendant
By Elizabeth Calwell
Hey y’all, I’m a “High Altitude Safety Technician”. That’s a highfalutin way of saying I’m a flight attendant.
It’s just not possible to get trained for all the bizarre things that happen on airplanes these days. You’ve watched the stories on the TV news from the comfort of your recliner, but I’m locked in with this insanity going on.
If you all think this inflight craziness has only been happening the last few years, let me tell you about my very first international flight over twenty-five years ago.
We were on the way to Jamaica. I was standing in the galley with several of the flight attendants when a woman tapped me on the shoulder and yelled, “You need to do something about that thing.”
“I’m the brand new flight attendant here but is there something I can help you with?”
She said, “I’m not kidding. That thing’s waking my baby.”
Then we heard a strange noise. “Cock-a-doodle-doo.”
“Cock-a-doodle-doo?” We all looked at each other then rushed to investigate.
A Jamaican man had snuck a rooster on board in a brown-paper bag and shoved it under the seat in front of him. Do you know what a cock does when it wakes up? “Cock-a-doodle-doo. Cock-a-doodle-doo!”
Everyone was laughing and all the passengers were pointing at the man, who didn’t understand all the excitement. He said, “Hey Mon, No problem here. It’s my dinner.”
Speaking of dinner, back when we regularly served meals on flights we hustled as fast as we could to get the passengers served as quickly as possible. Each new row, we repeated in rapid succession, “Beef? Or chicken? Beef or chicken? Beeforchicken?”
When I moved the cart forward to the next row, a man sitting next to the window declared in a booming voice, “I think I’ll have some of that thar’ beaver-chicken.”
“Excuse me?”
“Yeah. Beaver-chicken.”
There are things that just don’t bear explaining. I served him the chicken without a word. After all, doesn’t everything taste like chicken?
When we got closer to the back of the plane, we ran out of chicken. I asked a passenger, “Would you care for the beef for dinner?”
He demanded, with a Spanish accent, “I require cheeken.”
I said, “I’m so sorry, but we don’t have any more chicken, all we have is beef.
“I require cheeken. My ticket say I require cheeken.”
“Really! OK, show me your ticket.”
Sure enough, he pulled out his boarding pass and pointed to where it was printed in bold letters, CHECK IN REQUIRED.
Why couldn’t that man have been on my very first international flight? I could have handed him some really fresh poultry in a brown paper bag!
******
You’ll find lots of amusing situations like these in my comedy memoir, Dear Passenger: Welcome to My Wacky World as a Flight Attendant. It’s humorous, light-hearted and entertaining with some vital information about air travel slipped in. My small town upbringing has given me a unique Southern perspective on the antics of passengers and unusual happenings while traveling.
Have you ever wondered about the life of a flight attendant? Or maybe you’ve had a hard day at work and need to escape your on the ground job. Well, fasten your seat belt and join me at 35,000 feet. I can tell you all about it.
Welcome aboard!
Elizabeth Calwell
Elizabeth@elizabethcalwell.com
To all my readers: Get this book for your next flight. And don’t forget to buckle your seat belt.
Sounds great, Noelle. I’m a sucker for a good memoir, especially reading about the experiences of someone in the middle of the fire. I’m going to check this one out.
She has a great sense of humor – does standup comedy, too. Her experiences are incredible.
Thanks Noelle, for mentioning my book. I was telling stories last weekend at a party and people kept commenting “No, that really didn’t happen. Did it?” And, yes these things really are true with all the craziness happening on airplanes these days.
This sounds like a most entertaining book, Noelle. I applied to become an air hostess when I was 18 years old. I had a boyfriend who was a pilot at the time. I was to short being 1.61 m when the requirement for safety reasons was 1.62 m.
0.01 meters? Really? You should have had yourself stretched before you were measured! Or go first thing in the AM – you lose height during the day….
Thanks for introducing us to Elizabeth Calwell, Noelle. I thoroughly enjoyed the peek inside her book. 🙂 Sharing…
Definitely read before you fly next!
Sounds an absolute hoot!
Do read it before your next flight!
Dear Noelle, thanks for this wonderful introduction to Elizabeth. Wishing her huge success. Hugs to you both.
Thanks, Teagan. Elizabeth keeps me laughing!
I want to thank you all for all the kind words. Writing is hard work. Noelle has helped me tremendously all along the way and encouraged me to get my book published. I am so lucky to have her for a friend and fellow writer. She’s a jewel.
To Noelle’s followers, I want to thank you all for the kind words. Writing is hard work. Noelle has helped me tremendously all along the way and encouraged me to get my book published. I am so lucky to have her for a friend and fellow writer. She’s a jewel.
I sat listening to a trio of hostesses discussing boob jobs on one flight it was hilarious. All the men within hearing were looking over their shoulders in curiosity after a while 😂. Just have to pray you don’t get a crying baby or child that kicks the back of your chair. Flight attendants have to have lots of patience. This book sounds great, a lovely recommendation.
Hey Charlotte, on one of my flights the flight attendant was talking about her diaphragm and didn’t realize she was talking on the P.A. to the entire airplane. She apologized but got lots of funny comments as the passengers deplaned.
I’ll have to put that story in my next book.
Definitely get Elizabeth’s ook for your next long flight. You’ll be chuckling and amazed all the way.!
Sounds interesting. I was a flight attendant for 15 years myself and it is amazing what happens in the air 🙂
I’ll bet you have a lot of stories you could tell. Hope you’ll tell them sometime!
You would love my book. It would bring back lots of memories and let me know if you’ve got any good stories because I’ll add you into my 2nd book. But only humorous or interesting episodes so I can keep it entertaining.
Fly Safe,
Elizabeth
Reblogged this on writerchristophfischer and commented:
As former flight attendant myself I look forward to reading this next.
Thanks, Christoph. Elizabeth writes with a soupcon of Southern humor.